Day 103 - Nudes gone skinny

Someone posted a link today that illustrated what classic paintings of nude women would look like if the women's bodies were painted to today's standard of beauty. 
Art's great nudes have gone skinny

When looking through the alternative pieces, a few thoughts struck me which I found amusing.

1)  When voluptuous, the women in these paintings clearly look like women.  However, when all of those curves are shaved off they look like teenage girls.  It was enlightening, but also made me feel like a dirty bird so I ended up skipping past the "skinny" variations pretty quickly.

2) The supporting cast in every single one of these paintings, whether the woman of primary focus is "skinnified" or not, is creepy...and not just a little.  I don't care who you are or how much cushion you have for the pushin'...you should never be lounging around naked, surrounded by a bunch of winged children.

3)  Whether the woman was curvy or emaciated, her BREASTS WERE THE SAME SIZE.  Unless of course those cherubs can afford plastic surgery, that's not really the way it works.

God bless the days where women were supposed to have glorious curves and not look like they would break if the wind hit them the wrong way. 

Day 102 - Vagina Feet

This blog was inspired by a pair of shoes.  However, strangely, when I was thinking about a title for it I remembered a funny story which reminded me of the shoes.  I decided to write about both in the same blog because you can't just throw titles like "Vagina Feet" around willy-nilly.

Sometimes on Saturday mornings, when I'm not enjoying my alone time, I will stay in bed with my husband.  He and I engage in a variety of activities which may or may not include watching something on the iPad, playing with the dog, having a morning delight, or simply taking the opportunity to enjoy some time for conversation.  

A few months back, we were lying in bed on one such Saturday morning and discussing events for the day.  I can't remember what we were going to make the poor McSlaveBoy do, I just remember saying "We should ask Riley to do that".  Joely started giggling.  When I asked why, he confessed that he had been testing out a theory.  He realized a few days back that Ri would answer to almost any name that Joel called out.  For example...

J:  Hey Arby!
R:  Yeah?

J:  Hey Buttface!
R:  Yeah?

J:  Hey Fart Knocker!
R:  Yeah?

I said "Anything?" and he responded with a wicked grin "Yes.  Anything."  A few moments later...

J:  Hey Vagina Feet!
*silence*
R:  ...yeah?  and...did you just call me vagina feet?

We laughed so hard that we cried.  It was delightful.  Lucky for all of us, Vagina Feet didn't stick.  




On to the shoes... 

The other day, in my internet browsing, I came across these shoes:

 

When I sent them to Joel he responded with "what the hell is that?!?".  I reassured him that I was not planning on buying the shoes, I just thought they were hilarious.  He made some other comments, like he does, about how he was shocked I didn't like them because they were hideous.

It was right then that I decided my new justification for any pair of shoes that I buy from now until the end of days is "Hey, at least they don't look like vaginas."

Day 101 - Best. Week. Ever.

March 29th - April 6th - one of the best weeks I've ever had.  Why?

I already talked about my epic Jason Momoa hug...you know, the one where he surrounded me like a beautiful, radiant Hawaiian blanket.  Ever since, whenever I sass Joely, he reminds me that Jason is not coming to whisk me away and save me from a life of paying bills and cleaning the kitchen and I say "YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I KNOW HIM!".  Then, the McBoy, chimes in with "You guys are so weird."

I also mentioned that my best girls and I went to see my favorite Author Guy Christopher Moore talk about his new book Sacre Bleu.  For the first in the three times we have gone to see him, he was not suffering from a cold.  He was charming and awesome.  He didn't even get mad that I told him that he reminded me of a snarky 13 year old girl trapped in a man suit.  He just confessed that when he was researching his character Abby Normal (from the Bloodsucking Fiends series), he scoured teenage goth sites to get the vernacular right and his girlfriend was terrified they were going to get arrested for being creepy.

What I did NOT talk about, because I couldn't until today when it was announced, was that I got a promotion at work...an awesome promotion.  I get to learn the ins and outs of a new product, Muse.  I might even use it to switch this blog over, although my team will yell at me and tell me that it's not a blogging tool.  (See...I HAVE been reading the tutorials.)  In addition, I get to work on some more strategic initiatives for my segment.  This is one of the things that I am the best at...thinking on a high level across multiple products and coming up with efficiencies that will apply to all.   Why focus on one tree when the forest is so beautiful?  ;)


Except...I will also be focusing on one tree.  But, you get the idea I think.  


I was flying high last week.  I should have played the lottery.

Day 100 - The Little Things...aka Nacho Cheese

Joel and I normally have a chat towards the end of the day and, if we don't already have plans, we figure out what we are doing for dinner.  Yesterday we didn't have any plans for cooking and I had a meeting, so he volunteered to go through Taco Time drive through.  We all have a thing for tots.  Sometimes we are lazy and eat fast food for dinner.  There, I said it.  I'm the only one that gets to judge on this blog so calm yourselves right down.

When he came home, he threw a bag filled with Taco Bell nacho cheese on the table.  I have already blogged about how much I love nachos, but I don't think I've ever mentioned my belief that the cheese sauce they make at Taco Bell is God's Gift to Nacho Chips.  

I said "I thought you went to Taco Time" and he said "I did", then threw the bag filled with tots on the table. 

He drove through the Taco Bell drive through separately just to get me some of the crackalicious cheese sauce that I am addicted to.   Let me say that again.  He drove through the drive through to order cheese sauce.  When they gave him a hard time, he broke down and got a soda as well.

What a guy. 

Day 99 - Alone Time

One of the things that I have taken for granted the most when I had it was the beauty of alone time. 

Interruption frustrates me.*  As much as it happens in my job, I've learned to cope or at the very least, find ways to work around it.  This is why this blog is such a challenge.  I find "nothing blogs" to be deplorable and I feel conflicted if I don't have enough uninterrupted time to write something worth reading.  Again, I sort of had to get over that if I was going to attempt to write nearly every day.  I see it as an intrusion if someone tries to talk to me when I'm reading or watching a show (although heckling bad TV/Movies is an exception).  

I want to be completely present for what I'm doing while I'm doing it.  I want give my full attention to one thing at a time, to get lost in it, for as long as I damned well please.  If something is so unimportant that it doesn't deserve my focus, then I shouldn't be doing it at all.

Since my youngest brother is nine years older, I grew quite accustomed to having as much me time as I needed.  I got to be alone with only my imagination.  Sometimes I would go lay outside under the big tree in my parents yard, close my eyes and imagine myself in a whole other world.  I don't think I realized how much I loved it at the time, but even thinking back on it now makes me all dreamy eyed. 

This is why I find weekend mornings to be so wonderful.  The McMan and McBoy sleep in and I have some precious Tiffany time.  I don't always use it wisely.  This morning, for example, I spent half an hour trying to find a missing piece to the Keurig (a successful endeavor I might add).  I cleaned up the kitchen and did a couple of loads of laundry.  But then, I got to sit down and write this blog.  That part was awesome.  As soon as this blog is complete, I'm going to play with Adobe Muse for a while and see if we can't be friends.  


And then, at some point very soon, Joely will come shuffling out here and say "Woman!  Where's my breakfast?!?" and I will say "You make the breakfast."  And he will chuckle, kiss my forehead and shuffle into the kitchen to have his special time with the Keurig.  Then I will spend the rest of my day with my fellas...and that will be wonderful as well.


Just a different kind.  ;)


*  I suppose I should quantify this by saying interruption of something I'm interested in doing.  If I'm performing some task at work that I don't want to be doing, I welcome interruption every time.  

Day 98 - The Bra I Have a Crush On

For the first time in my life, I have developed feelings for a piece of underwear.  

I should start by saying that one of Shonna's greatest skills is finding things she knows her friends will love.  I have never gotten a present from her that was even slightly less than awesome.  One of MY greatest skills is spending money with abandon.  This means that she and I should never, ever go anywhere where things can be found and purchased. 

Obviously, our favorite thing to do together is go shopping.  As one would imagine, Shonna spends the whole time pointing things out that she knows I would love, I spend the whole time buying the things and at the end of the day I have all sorts of shit I don't need and she has purchased one or two things. 

Today, I took her into Soma.  After I wandered around a bit and took in all of the lovely under things, I walked up to her to check in on how she was doing.  She turned around and held out (in my size of course) the single most gorgeous bra I have ever seen.  It reminded me of a corset with perfect little embellishments.  I took it from her and said "Jesus, I think I actually find this bra attractive."  

I knew I was going to buy it before I even checked the price tag.  A bra's job is to hug my breasts all day long, which is a pretty intimate relationship.  What kind of fool would I be to turn down an opportunity to go into that relationship with a bra that I am severely crushing on?  Kind of a no-brainer.

Anyway, the happy-making thing in all of this is that Shonna followed me up to the register carrying the pink variety of the same bra.  She bought something she didn't need.  I feel as though I gained a small victory in regaining a bit of balance. 

And...I have a super hot bra.  

I have a picture of it, but it occurred to me that people I work with read this blog and all of a sudden I felt a little dirty, so you will just have to trust me in regards to its super hotness.

Day 97 - Massage

I am getting a massage this afternoon.  I've been trying to go as frequently as I am able because of the weird neck/shoulder thing that has been vexing me the last couple of months.  

My MT is this little ball of fire named Jenny and that's all I'm telling you.  It's already tricky finding available slots with her.  Not only does she KICK ASS at her job -- she has found tension in muscles I didn't know existed and banished it with her unnaturally strong hands -- she is covered by my insurance so it costs me $6.75 for an hour of pure bliss. (Well, 55 minutes of pure bliss.  That 5 minutes she's doing work in muscles under my arms is the opposite of bliss, but completely necessary.)

Also, she's adorable and she smells nice.  It's a win-win-win-win.


This is my happy making thing for today.  Since this blog is a shorty, I will also include for your viewing enjoyment and continued distraction, my favorite "massage" video:

Day 96 - Christopher Moore

Once upon a time, shortly after I moved to the Puget Sound Area, I started a book club.  I did so with the intention of getting to know some wonderful ladies that I had met a bit better.  Also, I wanted to create a forcing function to read more books.

When she was up to pick the next (and her first) book, this adorable woman with wild, curly red hair picked "Lamb:  The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal" by Christopher Moore.  She said that she had already read and LOVED it, but wanted us all to read it so that we could drink wine, eat cheese and talk about it.

I read the book and in that moment when I was finishing up the last sentence...that moment when I realized that the story was really ending and I was so desperately sad to be finished because I loved it so much...I knew that Kai and I were going to be very, very good friends. 

His writing is brilliant, funny, witty and he likes to drop the F bomb. At some point, I thought maybe he was wearing a man suit and was really a snarky thirteen year old girl.  While I'm not entirely convinced that is NOT true, I don't care. 


Since then, I made it my personal mission to acquire a first edition hard cover copy of every book he has ever written (which I have).  Then, get every one of those books signed (which after tonight they will be).  I love him so much that I have NOT read the last two books he's released because I'm terrified he will get hit by a bus and there will be no new Chris Moore for me to read, so I'm trying to dole them out.  Sad and crazy, but true.


Tonight, my best girls and I are going see him on his book reading tour for his latest masterpiece "Sacre Bleu!".  Even though I have not yet read it, I have no doubt it will be awesome.  He will get up on stage and NOT read from the book, but rather talk about some messed up news story that he read and make fun of crazy people who hoard rabbits.  He will be adorable and hilarious.  We will talk to him in line and get our third "Drunken MySpace Sorority Girl" photo with him.  It will be awesome.

(From his "Fool" tour, circa 2009.  WHY ISN'T SHONNA IN THIS PICTURE?)

Day 95 - Kinect Voice Commands

Of the gizmos to emerge in the past few years, the Kinect is one of my favorites.  

As I've made pretty clear, I'm not much into gaming.  If it were competitive, I could beat the crap out of each and every one of you at Super Mario Brothers II.  Tetris is the only game I've ever bested Joel playing; although he vehemently denies this.  Moto Racer will always have a special place in my heart as Kelly, Megan and I played it over and over and over and over on Nyle's Playstation while listening to "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan (obviously...what else would we have listened to while driving wee little motorcycles around a track).  I've been itching to finish Super Mario World on the SNES...I started it one summer at my cousin's house and had to leave before we beat it.

Other than that, I have had a hard time imagining how I could care less about video games.

Then, we got the Kinect.  I was introduced to Dance Central...and subsequently my dreamy Latin Prom King Angel...and I LOVED it.  Joel has a video that he took of me dancing my ass off to Lady Gaga.  He uses it to threaten me from time to time, although I'm pretty sure he's already shown it to most of the people we know. Not only do I love the dance games, but I love that the Kinect picks up on Sophie when she runs across the living room or tries to join in.  I think we should create a profile for her. 

All of this said, I discovered my favorite thing about the Kinect when we started watching television series on Netflix through XBOX Live.  'Twas then I learned that I could tell the Kinect what to do...AND IT WOULD LISTEN!

Imagine, if you will, living in my house of unruly cats, a hyperactive dog and my feisty McMan & McBoy.  How excited would you be if there was just one thing, just ONE, that actually listened to you and did what it was told.  Not only that, but bossing is one of my favorite things.  The Kinect never talks back, it just takes it like my little, electronic, bitch.   

God bless you Kinects...each and every one.

Day 94 - Supernatural

We have been powering through Supernatural.  I'm really enjoying the series, which I didn't expect.  It is funny, the characters are endearing and it has some pretty creepy monsters. Also, Joel has this odd obsession with the hotels they stay in.  Somehow they end up finding the coolest freaking hotels during their cross country chasing of various types of ghouls, ghosts, demons, vampires, werewolves and other fiends. 

As a household, we have a good time poking fun at Jared Padalecki's Angry Baby Face.  It rivals Kristin Kreuk's from Smallville.  But, the show is actually entertaining unlike Smallville, which just pissed me off and made me want to throw things at every single one of the characters.

Jensen Ackles character is a lot of fun.  He plays the cavalier older brother, ripe with one liners and completely obsessed with his black 67 Impala.  He has FANTASTIC Soap Opera facial expressions, but it oddly works for him.

Not much of a blog today, mostly because I'm distracted watching the show.   So.  There.

Day 93 - Karin Madan, Pinheads and Rubix Cubes

A few years back there was an art show at Starbucks in Fremont, displaying the work of local artist Karin Madan.  They were all prints of these really delightful little creatures doing one thing or another.  My favorite was set of two paintings called "Death by Kebab".  I told Joely about them.  

It just so happened to be close to Valentines Day, so he drove his enormous Ford truck to Fremont during his lunch hour.  By some act of god, he managed to find parking.  He walked in and told the barista that he wanted to buy the prints.  She said "Sorry, we can't sell them if the manager isn't here."

I wish I could have been there to see the look he gave her.  I'm sure he took the news like the little ray of sunshine that he is.  At any rate, he went back to do the whole thing again on Day Two.  What a guy, right?

You've probably seen them if you've been to my house, they are hanging in the kitchen (obviously).

When I saw on the Stumpytown site that she was going to be at the Emerald City Comic Con, I knew that I needed to put her on the roster of things I wanted to see before I got arrested for trying to hump Jason Momoa. As if I didn't love her stuff enough already, it was an added bonus to see that she now makes jewelry.

We found her booth and I got to chat with her for a bit.  She is a super awesome lady and I walked away loving her more than I did before I met her.  I also walked away with something from her new series, characters with a focus on gizmos from the eighties.  I had so many adorable prints to pick from... Chewie with a walkman, Batman with an enormous brick of a cell phone, but this was the piece that I knew I was going to walk away with the second that I saw it:

That's right folks, it's Little Pinhead with a Rubix cube.  Karin said "I have one on a silk rope as well, but for him the chain just seems more appropriate."  Remember when I told you that she was adorable?  How could I not love a woman that had this in her brain and made it come to life?

She has also been added to my best friend's list. 

Day 92 - My Date with Jason Momoa

For the sake of prosperity, I am recording the events of the encounter as follows:

Joely and I went to the “Media Guest” section of the con to check Jason Momoa’s schedule and found out that he was getting ready to start his photo op session…the last photo op session that he would be doing at the con.  We got into the incredibly long switch line to register for my photo.  We got bellered at by the lady running the line, who insisted on reminding us 37 times that we needed our email addresses ready.  (Do people really forget their email addresses?)  When they announced that photo registration for Christopher Judge and Jason Momoa was closed, we were SECOND from the beginning of the line.  Joel said “Oh no” and my heart fell through my shoes.  I hung my head, sighed a heavy sigh and as I was moving out of the line, the annoying lady said “Wait…Momoa is still open for single shots.”  I leaped back into my place in line.  I may have done a pirouette.

After we got my ticket, they hustled is into the room where they were taking all the photos.  I had to drop off my purse and my husband since neither of them was allowed in the “photo room”.  As I turned the corner of the switch line, I noticed the curtains were pulled back.  I could see him standing there, in all of his glorious glory.  I watched as other people moved through the line in front of me.  He was all sweet and adorable, cracking jokes, picking up a kid for one of the shots, being a million feet tall and gorgeous.  

When I was finally at the beginning of the line, he turned and looked at me and we made eye contact.  

The Time of My Life (as performed by Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes in the hit movie Dirty Dancing) started playing in the background.  He reached his arms out to me and I ran to him.  He picked me up and spun me around.  He set me on my feet and leaned down, then he gave me this long, lingering kiss.  He told me that he loved me, that he had always loved me, and that he wanted us to run away together.

At least, that is what happened in my "internal reality". 

A more accurate version may have been that after we made eye contact, I cracked a big old grin because JASON MOMOA WAS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.  AND HE WAS LOOKING AT ME.  So, I said “HI JASON MOMOA!”  Then HE cracked a big old grin and said “Hi Sweetheart!  Get over here!”.  And, he really did hold his arms out to me.  Also, I really ran to him…after I hopped up and down once.  He is about a foot taller than me, so when get grabbed me and pulled me in for the epic hug and leaned his head down on me, I was basically surrounded by Momoa goodness.  I smiled so big in the picture that my face looks like it might split.  I think he realized that I turned four right before his eyes and it delighted him. 

Anyway, after they snapped the shot I said “Thank you so much” and he said “Thank YOU, have a good one!”   Joel claims that I did some sort of crazy skip out of there, the kind that kids do when they are pretending to gallop like a horse.  I ran past my purse and he had to remind me to turn around and grab it.  I was flushed and giddy.  I can’t even remember getting out of there.  

There you have it folks.  It was the best 60 second date I’ve ever had.  I wasn’t able to get him to sign anything or actually chat with him because they screwed up on the scheduling.  They had him in a panel at the same time he was supposed to be doing autographs.  We had to leave, so I missed getting to tell him about all of my favorite episodes of Stargate Atlantis, how much I love the fact that he’s married to Denise Huxtable and that he should thank Joel for being there to make sure that I didn’t get arrested for trying to hump him.  

I think I’m going to hang the picture up in my office so that every time someone pisses me off, I can be reminded that I got to touch Jason Momoa and all of a sudden everything will immediately seem less crappy.  Also, since he put his hands on me, please understand that I’m never washing my body again and thank you very much for not judging me for the inevitable smell.  

(This is a picture of the picture that they gave me yesterday.  I wasn't patient enough for them to send the JPEG to my email account.  You know...the email address that I had to have ready.)

Day 76 - This Past Week

I'm officially skipping days 69 - 75.  While I find the fact that I missed "Day 69" to be one of the great tragedies of our times, I'm also incredibly happy at the prospect of not feeling the pressure to do make up blogs.  


Some happy making things that have happened to me over the past week are as follows: 

There was a power outage at work on Tuesday afternoon which ended up being so bad that they sent us all home.  The reason this made me happy was that I was in strategic planning meetings from 8:30 AM - 5:00 PM on Monday and from 7:30 AM right up until the power went out at 3:00 PM on Tuesday.  I was exhausted and it was a welcome break.  The other part about this whole ordeal that was amusing was that we had some folks from India visiting.  Having brief power failures is pretty common there, so they thought it was hilarious that we were forced to evacuate the building because the power went out.  
 
I love my new manager (and by "new" I mean the manager I've had since last November).  She's incredibly supportive and understanding.  I didn't have the Annual Review I was hoping for on Wednesday, but she makes me feel confident that this is going to be a year filled with growth and learning opportunities for me.


Actually, the fact that most of the people I work with really kick ass made me happy this week as well...especially today.


Cookies.  Cookies always make me happy.


Riley, Sophie and I took a super long walk when I got home from work last night because a: it was still light enough to do so and b: I didn't have a meeting.  I downloaded a smutty book on my Kindle that I would be too embarrassed to purchase at a store, made myself a pot of fancy Teavana tea and took a bath.  I used some Lushie goodness that not only smelled amazing but also turned the water completely blue, a fact which delights me for some reason.

That's all for now.  Please join me tomorrow while I recommence my regularly scheduled blogging.

Day 68 - Karen

As many of you already know, Karen is Riley's mama.  I also sometimes like to call her, Joel's Baby Mama. While this would be reason enough for she and I to have a strained, weird, competitive, shitty and/or non-existent relationship, we are actually pretty good friends.  

Of course, this didn't come naturally.  Truth be told, we had to work our assess off to get here.  However, since Riley's happiness was more important to both of us than anything else, we had the hard conversations.  We put all of the awkwardness and the stupid, bullshit insecurities aside.  We started listening to each other.  We started trusting each other.  We ended up genuinely growing quite fond of one another.  :-)

The first time I met Karen was in October of 2004 in the Walmart parking lot.  She was moving back up to the area and we were doing a Riley hand-off.  As soon as they got out of the car, he grabbed her hand and drug her over to me, then grabbed my hand and said "Mom...this is Tiffany.  Tiffany...this is mom.  You should shake hands now."  

Since then she, Joel and I have been a unified front.  When something major comes up in Riley's life, we discuss it and come up with a plan together.  He has never gotten to pit one of us against the other, not that he would now but kids try the darndest things when they are little.  :-)  


Some of the things I love about Karen...she's got a great sense of style.  She always says that she is bad at sharing her feelings and maybe that is true in the most fundamental definition of sharing.  However, anyone that knows her can learn all they need to know by taking in the way she expresses herself through her art.  She writes beautiful prose.  She takes amazing photographs that give folks a very intimate view of how she sees the world.  She shares more than she realizes, so long as you are paying attention.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Karen!  I hope your day is filled with new shoes, no shellfish, gourmet coffee and fantastic new ink.

Here is a shot of Karen and I and the tie that binds us...or at least the reason we bonded...Christmas of 2010.  It is a comfort to know that he refuses to smile no matter which type of Mama is trying to coax it out of him. ;)

Day 67 - Morning Meetings

Last evening marked my last "evening" meeting for this quarter.*  Half of my team is in Noida, India and most of the folks that work in the office there have a pretty long commute.  After I had worked with the team for a time and gained their trust, they started talking to me about the way we ran our meetings.  Someone that I work with had not seen his kid in THREE DAYS because he had to leave the house before the family woke up and got home after they were in bed.  This was in a regular week, not even during a milestone.

Naturally, I was horrified.

I should first say that my team, in its entirety from Seattle to Noida and everywhere in between, kicks ass.  It is chock full of hard working, passionate and amazing people who love our product and are willing to go the extra mile to make it as awesome as possible.  I have personally always been a proponent of work-life balance.  When I was purely an individual contributor, I always made sure that I took care of myself because I knew if I got too burned out I would be completely worthless as an employee.


While I do not have anyone reporting to me in my current role, I am on the management team and am responsible for monitoring the overall health of the project.  One of my most critical responsibilities is identifying, understanding and working with the rest of the management team to address any and all types of problems that I observe during our product development cycle.  This said, there are obviously times in the project where work-life balance has to be sacrificed a little, but this should NEVER be "the norm".  If people have to make a habit of working overtime every week, that means we are failing them.

So, one of the big ticket items on my plate during my visit to Noida last December was to agree upon a fair approach to meetings so that we had to share the burden across geographies.  The approach we decided on was that we would switch per quarter, one with all standing meetings evening time US and morning time Noida, then vice versa.   The US took the first shift of having all evening meetings.


It has sucked.


I'm still happy we did it, I still feel as though it was the right decision.  I think it is important that this burden is shared.  However, I am ECSTATIC to have a quarter of morning meetings.  Now...next week when I have to get up at 5:00 AM to make my 7:00 AM meetings I'll probably be singing a different tune, but at least I'll be able to have a relaxing dinner with my family and not have to tell everyone they need to be quiet so that nobody on the phone can hear them when I'm not on mute.


* This is a rule for standing meetings only.  I'm sure there will be occasions when an emergency comes up and I have to dial in to an evening call...but it will not be three-four nights a week.  :-)

Day 66 - Peacocks

I wasn't lying about that whole "put a bird on it" comment in my profile.  I'm a sucker for things that are shaped like birds, are stamped with the likeness of a bird or are made with feathers.  I am fond of owls and sparrows, I have a wicked tattoo idea for a quetzal that I plan on getting around to implementing soon, but my absolute favorite are peacocks.  They are majestic, all of those iridescent jewel tones melding together perfectly to create one of the most visually stunning creatures on the planet.

Depending upon where you are in the world and what you believe, peacocks are a symbol of pride, immortality and respect.  One of my favorite things about the peacock is that it eats poisonous snakes.  I like the idea behind that, something pure and beautiful being able to devour something harmful without consequence.  

When I was a little girl my mother's friend Shirley had peacocks on her farmstead, which was located a few miles out of town.  Just far enough away that I could not SEE the peacocks whenever I wanted, but I could always HEAR them.  I'm not sure if you have ever heard a peacock's cry, but a flock crying together sounds like children screaming.  Not cool peacocks...not cool.

Anyway, whenever my mom would go out for coffee, I would come with so that I could run around the farm and collect as many peacock feathers as possible.  Each time, Shirley let me keep one.  I believe she sold the rest.  I didn't realize at the time that I was being used for child labor, but I don't think it would have made any difference because my prize of one single feather would have still been worth the time I spent trompsing around.  My collection of feathers lives in my boudoir in a vase, high in a corner, fanned out to perfection.  When I take the time to stop and notice them, they still delight me as much as they did then.

Me, face painted with peacock goodness after attending a work party at Teatro ZinZanni.  I think it was 2006 or 2007...sometime before I realized that Duck Face was not cool.

Day 65 - Girl Scout Cookies

Joel and Tiffany vs. Girl Scouts
 
Nobody can resist Girl Scout cookies, unless you are a sociopath and/or are otherwise completely devoid of human desire.  Every year around this time, Joel and I employ a basic defense when it comes to going to local destinations...like the grocery store.  The first and most important step in achieving success is that we have already purchased cookies from a co-worker or friend's kid.  If this has not happened (ergo we are suffering from an absence of Girl Scout cookies), then all bets are off.


Here are the few simple steps that we have discovered which might help you survive Girl Scout Season.

1. Avoid the entrance that the Girl Scouts have secured.
2. If Girl Scouts are present at all entrances, consider another shopping location.
3. If this is not an option due to time constraints and/or high probability that Girl Scouts have infiltrated every nearby grocery option, then adhere to the following protocols:
1. While making your way into the establishment, maintain eye contact with one another with utmost focus and self control.
2. If cute girl comes up and directly questions one of you, break eye contact momentarily only to mention that you have already purchased cookies. 
3. If cute girl persists with aggressive sales tactics, such as "You can never have enough girl scout cookies" or "Oh...okay...thank you for supporting us and have a great day.", break eye contact.  Spouse with less or no cash runs into the store immediately and leaves the other behind with no remorse.  Spouse with cash stays to negotiate.  Negotiate means "buy as many boxes as you can with the amount of cash that you have".
4. Enjoy Girl Scout Cookies with reckless abandon.

So far this year, this flawless strategy has kept us at six boxes and going strong.  Until we run out of Do-si-dos...

Day 64 - Family Time

Joel and I stayed in a hotel in Chelan, WA over the weekend.  We traveled for the purpose of going to his uncle's funeral and I must say that it was one of the most inspiring I've ever attended.  I had only ever met Joel's uncle Larry once, so I think it is a testament to the man he was that the ceremony ended with me feeling loss over the fact that I did not have the opportunity to know him better.  


While a funeral is obviously not a joyous occasion, I did get to meet a group that quickly became my favorite McCousins.  All things considered, we had a wonderful time with the family and I look forward to spending more time with them under less distressing circumstances.  (Come to Seattle to visit, we have meatballs!  You know who you are!)


I also got to spend a lot of quality time with Joel.  Up until around this time last year, we had put "our" time on the back burner and with dire consequences I might add.  We had both forgotten why it was important to make time for being a couple.  I can write more about why it is so happy making that we remembered in another blog, but for now I'll just say that we had a spectacular time connecting with each other and remembering why we decided to do that whole lifetime commitment thing.


And...the view from our hotel room kicked ass.  We are plotting to go back soon, but in the case that you are stopping through, we both recommend the Best Western in Chelan.

Day 63 - Winter Wonderland

Joely and I had to drive to Eastern Washington on Friday.  We left at approximately A:SS AM.  One would be inclined to think that no good could come of this, and one would usually be correct.  However, we happened to be driving over Steven's Pass after a snowfall which meant that ALL of the trees were covered with snow.

It was like driving through magic.

In my half-conscious stupor, I stared out the windows and imagined that I could be impervious to the cold.  I would lie down underneath the web that the tree branches created and stare up through them for hours.  I wish we could have stopped for a photo shoot, but we were going to a funeral so we were on a schedule and I didn't bring my camera...because we were going to a funeral.  I did manage to take a few shots out the window with my phone while we were driving.

They didn't do the scene justice...but they are better than nothing.

 

Day 62 - Oden Maxwell

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to one of my favorite boys on the planet.  I don't even know how to express the awesomeness that is Oden.  He is one of the most amazing kids I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  He turned 5 on March 3rd and all I can say is that it is high time his parents graced us with a sibling so that there can be TWO most amazing kids I have ever had the pleasure of meeting in this universe.

I have so many funny stories about him that are too long for me to type, a lot of them happened while we were camping.  That kid has some hilarious antics that you must experience for yourself in the woods.  Some of my favorite Oden quotes are:
"See you 'round like a doughnut"
"Tiffany...those are the biggest earrings I have ever seen."
(After Joel said "Smell ya later Oden") "I SMELL YOU RIGHT NOW JOEL!"
"I've wanted one of those my whole life!"
"Tiffany...I LOVE YOU!"

While camping, one of the best sounds ever when doing the sleepy walk from your tent to the bathroom in the morning is when you pass "Oden's" campsite and he screams "GOOD MORNING TIFFANY!  MY FRIEND DADDY MADE ME BREAKFAST!"  Also, on a completely different camping morning, I woke up to hear Oden singing to the tune of Yellow Submarine "There's a Mommy...in the tent...and she's sleeping...in the morning".


Seriously, this kid is irresistible.  He can throw down and sing just about any Beastie Boys or Beatles song you can imagine with eerie accuracy, he loves Transformers, he's a good snuggler and he is a diabolical genius when it comes to negotiating the amount of broccoli he actually has to eat at dinner.  One look into those baby blues and I guarantee you'll be gonzo.

This is an action shot of Ri and I playing with Oden in October of 2011.

A shot of Oden and his supreme cuteness:

This is Oden giving me a kiss while I lounged at the beach @ Deception Pass, summer of 2011.  June seems suspicious.  

Day 61 - Worldtimeserver.com

If you have international meetings as much as I do, or if you even care what the local time is in Zimbabwe, this site is AWESOME: http://www.worldtimeserver.com/index.aspx

The "Meeting Planner" alone saves my bacon at least once a week, in particular when I have to set up a meeting between the US, Scotland and India.  (If that combination is ever US, China and India...forgettaboutit.)

Perhaps a lame attempt at a blog, but a really valuable tool so your ass should be thanking me even if I failed to entertain you.

Day 60 - My dog's unconditional love

Today was the kind of day that I had to struggle to think of something that made me happy. 

I got home this evening and while shoving leftover pizza in my face, I talked to Joel and Riley as much as I could in the 30 minutes I had in time before I had to dial in to my first meeting.  When I was finished, I ran around grabbing my phone, my laptop, my chargers, any other crap I needed to get together, went in to my room to set up and got ready for my meetings.  

As I was settling in, I looked down and Sophie was sitting on my bedroom floor with her stuffed hedgehog in her mouth, ready to play with mama. I stopped, looked at her and said "Oh puppy, I'm sorry.  I don't have time to play right now."  She dropped her hedgie, jumped up on the bed and settled down beside me to nap.

The purest form of unconditional love.  She doesn't need anything from me except to love her right back.  She just wants to be close to me.  

Joel says that when I have sleepovers at my girlfriends house, she sits on the couch and cries, staring at the front door and waiting for me to get home.  When I am home, she follows me from room to room.  When I lay down on the couch, she immediately jumps up and makes herself comfy on my legs.

Another day, Sophie Freckle Belly and all of her antics will be the subject of a blog.  That might seem like cheating, but she makes me so happy she deserves more than one blog to herself.  For today, the way that she loves me no matter what comforts me and makes me superbly happy.

I call this one "Mama, I've been waiting for you to come home my whole life!"

I call this one "Mama, I've been waiting for you to drop some ham on the floor for me my whole life!"

I call this one "Mama, I've been waiting for you to take a picture of us upside down snuggling my whole life!"

Day 59 - You Should Have Seen This

Today I'm too tired for a real blog.  This was my happy making thing last evening AND this evening because Riley and I are watching it together.  Seeing as how our family primarily communicates in sarcasm and pop culture references, we figured it was our obligation.

You Should Have Seen This - Internet Memes

By the way, my favorite internet meme ever is STILL the Numa Numa guy.  I don't know why, but every time I'm sad I watch that video and it makes me giggle out loud.  Every time.

Day 58 - Finnegan the Dino Rider

Our sweet little Finn was born 3 years ago today, which is a testament to that whole "time flies" thing.  

I may be partial, but I think he is one of the cutest little guys on the planet.  Since Finn and I have only known each other for such a short time, I don't have tons of examples to give about our relationship like I will when it is his Mama Beck's birthday.  Instead, I will provide a bulleted list of things that make him a supremely awesome little human...

• He loves reading, so much so that he insists that he brings books to bed with him.  
• He is a thoughtful little guy; when he and Mama were out he found a toy he wanted to buy for Sophie.  It is still one of her favorite things to play with.
• He knows how to work the system.  One time when he was over, Mama told him that if he wanted to play with cars, he had to do it at the table.  If he wanted to play with Sophie, he had to leave his cars on the table.  This was not acceptable to Finn because he REALLY wanted to be able to see his cars no matter where he was, so he said "Hey Auntie Sassy, want to play with Sophie?" and I said "Sure", at which point he handed me the bag of cars and said "Here, carry these!"
• He throws the horns on demand.
• He helps pick up his toys.
• He goes to bed without crying.
• He gives REALLY good hugs.
• He is crazy about his Auntie Shonna. Amidst all of the chaos of his birthday party yesterday, he kept asking for her.  It was so stinking cute. I think he is going to ask her to marry him pretty soon. I can't say that I blame him as she will make an excellent Sugar Mama.

Here is a picture of the little man and I on the night he was born:

Here is a picture of Finn and his favorite McCone.  When he wants to come over he tells Beck "Are we going to Sophie's house?"

 

Day 57 - Seattle Children's Museum

On Sunday, I went to the Seattle Children's Museum at the Seattle Center for the first time ever.  I was there for Finnegan's 3rd birthday.  Spoiler Alert:  The next blog is about Finn!

I had never had much of a reason to go.  I don't have kids and I don't watch anyone's kid often enough that it came up as a destination.  As I learned on Sunday, you can't actually go inside unless you have a kid.  I am in complete agreement with this policy, but it makes me sad that the gross nasty sickos have infected something that should be so sweet and innocent...because that place is ultra cool.

They have all of these little rooms with different themes.  Apparently they change some of them out from time to time, but it was fun to watch the kids running from area to area.  PLAY PRETEND CASHIER, RUN INTO PRETEND RESTAURANT, RUN OUT OF PRETEND RESTAURANT WITH STOLEN RUBBER FISH, PRETEND TO DRIVE BUS, BUILD SOMETHING COOL, RUN!  RUN!  RUN!  

It has been a long time since I've had to look down that much because there was danger of tripping over a wee one around every corner.  They were all so busy and happy.  Normally the thought of this many children in one area would terrify me, but it was actually really fun to see them all doing their thing.  Some independently, as though they were the only kids in the building.  Some focused on interacting with other people.  Some talking to the fish.  

I don't know, it was just happy making to see all those little germ factories having such a great time.

If you are a parent to a young child, live in this area and have never gone...get to it!
http://thechildrensmuseum.org/

Day 56 - Stickers with Annika

When Annika was little, for a brief time after she became aware of the world around her, I was one of her favorite people.  This was also during the time when she was terrified of Joel and would scream bloody murder every time he walked into a room.  I knew that I should enjoy it while it lasted because it would eventually come to a screeching halt and she would love Joel more than she loved me.  This happens with all children.  

As predicted, Annika went through her stage of loving Joel, then Riley, then Joel, then Sophie and Joel about the same, then pretty much all Sophie all the time.  I mean, she is still obviously quite fond of me.  I know she loves me because of the squeal and big smile and running and hugging and kissing that happens every time she sees me.  However, if Sophie is around then that is where it stops and pup pup and Ani Girl follow each other around the house for the rest of the day.

It had been kind of difficult for me to connect with Annika since she was diagnosed with autism.  She likes to focus on one thing at a time, it is almost always the dog and the dog almost always overstimulates her since they have such a good time.  Once their wild rumpus is finally over, she doesn't have a lot of emotional energy left to give Auntie Sassy.  

I missed hanging out with my Ani and I wanted to have a special connection with her, so that's when we started doing stickers.  I bought a scrap book, a box of crayons and a buttload of stickers.  Now, every time I see Annika (and I mean EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.), she and I sit down and do stickers.  We talk about the stickers.  I've learned that there are some she is more interested in discussing.  For the others, she puts herself to task and moves all of them from the sticky sheet to the paper as quickly as possible.  I also got a special set of stickers that were pink sparkly tiaras and every time we do our stickers she gets to pick ONE princess sticker.  I forgot these on Saturday, so of course the first thing she said to me was "Princess sticker?"  

AUNTIE FAIL!

Anyway, I love doing stickers with her.  It's our special Ani/Auntie time.

I found this crazy Tinkerbell decal (and Tink is one of her favorite things).  My first thought was THE ULTIMATE IN STICKER FUN WITH ANNIKA!  Then, once I got it home I realized that it came in pieces.  I envisioned Annika and I trying to put it on the wall, having a random wing coming out of Tink's leg and not being able to stop my OCD from taking over and saying "Um, that isn't were that wing goes."  SO, mama and I put it up after she went to bed.  Apparently Annika was ecstatic when she saw it in the morning, but Auntie was still sleeping and missed the whole thing.  

Exhibit A:  
Kai helps me prove what a bad idea it would have been trying to bond over this by showing the impossible outlines on the sticker sheet.  Why didn't they make the fairy in one piece?  Were the production costs really that much less?  I guess we'll never know.

Exhibit B:
Cute girl loves her Tink.  And her crazy monster hat from Auntie Em.  And not wearing pants.

Day 55 - Organizing

Since I've already fessed up about the spreadsheets and my desire to own a label maker, why not go a little deeper down the rabbit hole.  Some like to call it borderline OCD; I refer to it as a passion for organization. 

When I was young, I used to collect little ceramic Home Interior bears.  Sometimes, my mom would come in my bedroom and move them just to mess with me.  I'd walk in to the room and immediately know that something was amiss.  I would stand very still and look around, assessing all of my treasures until I noticed the little bear dressed up like a police officer was rotated 45 degrees.  He wasn't supposed to be facing the little bear dressed up like a baker; IT WAS MADNESS!

I have my own certain way of doing almost everything.  Being married has forced me to ease up on this a little, mostly for the sake of my own sanity.  My choices were going completely Sleeping with the Enemy on Joel or conceding to the fact that sometimes the different types of peanut butter wouldn't be lined up properly in the cabinet.  So far, I've survived the chaos without incident.

Kai used to try to help me fold laundry when she was over.  She would fold a towel and set it on the table.  Our conversation would immediately halt and I would stare at it, then at her, then back at the towel.  Conversation would go as follows:

Kai:  You are going to refold that, aren't you?
Me:  *sheepishly answers * Yeah.
Kai:  Did you refold the last one while I was in the bathroom?
Me:  *looks away, then sheepishly answers* Yeah.
Kai:  Would you rather that I stop touching your laundry, sit down, drink my wine and keep you company while you finish?
Me:  *answers in a rush of excitement and relief*  Yes please, that would be wonderful!

I just feel as though everything should have its place.  If you come to my house and it is in disarray (which means there is mail stacked up, the table runner and centerpiece are misaligned and there is hair on the bathroom floor), it is because I have either been gone, super busy or taken to bed in a mid-winter depression.*  It just makes me feel more comfortable to be surrounded by order.  There are so few things in life that you can control, your house should not be one of them.


I'm sure you can imagine how much pleasure I derive from good organization tips.  While waiting for my obgyn to come in and check out my business, I was reading O magazine.  (Take a minute to let the irony sink in.) It had the kind of organization tip that makes you slap your forehead and think to yourself "It makes so much sense".  Fold your fitted sheet, top sheet and all but one pillow case in a set and put them all inside of the last pillow case for storage.  This way, they stack nicely and you can pull just one out of the closet without standing there for 20 minutes trying to find that last GD pillow case.  It's brilliant, isn't it?


Well, I shared it with my doc as soon as she came in and she was ECSTATIC.  Apparently, she is a freak for organizing as well.  She then gave me a tip of her own...this is what I spent last evening doing after dinner:

Did that just blow your mind?  I think I opened and closed the door about 15 times just because I was so delighted to see all of the crap that I could never find just sitting there in front of me.  I can neither confirm nor deny that I might alphabetize the items over the weekend since I won't have to spend any time moving cans around to find the tiny bag of arborio rice.


*Except if it is dusty, because dusting is not my thing. 

Day 54 - Laser Hair Removal

Let's start this one with a simple fact: I'm incredibly pale skinned and have super dark hair.  

While I enjoy the positive aspects of this contrast, such as being compared to Snow White, having a luminous complexion, the ability to pull off jewel tones like a mofo and the effect that my wearing dark red lipstick has on most people, there are a few pretty explicit drawbacks.  

For example, people naturally assume I'm a goth or a drug dealer if I'm wearing too much black.  Also, you can see every single strand of hair that I have on my body from across the street.  

When I was in seventh grade, I was teased almost daily about my mustache.  I can't even remember how many times I walked home wiping tears off of my face.  It's always made me feel vastly insecure.  My parents, even though they were so far from being able to afford it, paid to drive me to a town 50 miles away to get electrolysis every four weeks for TWO YEARS.  They knew how much the hair bothered me and they wanted to help me be my most confident Tiffany.  How awesome is that?  The love of two amazing parents with a focus on the emotional well being of their child is probably the most happy making thing on the planet. 

Unfortunately, the procedure didn't work all that well and I ended up making some sort of peace with it.  I asked my mom to stop making appointments because I didn't want to waste any more of their time or money.  As most do, the insecurity faded a bit as I grew older but I was never able to shake it entirely.  I remember when Joel and I first got together and he would try to touch my face, I would pull away.  Getting touched in the face made me uncomfortable because I was horrified at the prospect of him (or anyone) feeling stubble.

When Laser Hair Removal first became a thing, I was interested in trying it but remained skeptical.  First, Laser Hair Removal is freaking expensive.  Next, the electrolysis didn't do a damned bit of good (and it hurt).  Lastly, I didn't get paid a whole lot when I was contracting and it the procedure was freaking expensive.  Did I mention it cost a lot of money?

Then came the groupon.  God bless the groupon!  I was able to work out a deal where I did my whole face and neck for $800.  Even though that seemed like a lot of money at the time, I would make that decision over and over and over again.  

I did no photoshopping of this picture; none, nada, zilch.  My skin is smooth like butter and this makes me obscenely happy: