Day 103 - Nudes gone skinny

Someone posted a link today that illustrated what classic paintings of nude women would look like if the women's bodies were painted to today's standard of beauty. 
Art's great nudes have gone skinny

When looking through the alternative pieces, a few thoughts struck me which I found amusing.

1)  When voluptuous, the women in these paintings clearly look like women.  However, when all of those curves are shaved off they look like teenage girls.  It was enlightening, but also made me feel like a dirty bird so I ended up skipping past the "skinny" variations pretty quickly.

2) The supporting cast in every single one of these paintings, whether the woman of primary focus is "skinnified" or not, is creepy...and not just a little.  I don't care who you are or how much cushion you have for the pushin'...you should never be lounging around naked, surrounded by a bunch of winged children.

3)  Whether the woman was curvy or emaciated, her BREASTS WERE THE SAME SIZE.  Unless of course those cherubs can afford plastic surgery, that's not really the way it works.

God bless the days where women were supposed to have glorious curves and not look like they would break if the wind hit them the wrong way. 

Day 102 - Vagina Feet

This blog was inspired by a pair of shoes.  However, strangely, when I was thinking about a title for it I remembered a funny story which reminded me of the shoes.  I decided to write about both in the same blog because you can't just throw titles like "Vagina Feet" around willy-nilly.

Sometimes on Saturday mornings, when I'm not enjoying my alone time, I will stay in bed with my husband.  He and I engage in a variety of activities which may or may not include watching something on the iPad, playing with the dog, having a morning delight, or simply taking the opportunity to enjoy some time for conversation.  

A few months back, we were lying in bed on one such Saturday morning and discussing events for the day.  I can't remember what we were going to make the poor McSlaveBoy do, I just remember saying "We should ask Riley to do that".  Joely started giggling.  When I asked why, he confessed that he had been testing out a theory.  He realized a few days back that Ri would answer to almost any name that Joel called out.  For example...

J:  Hey Arby!
R:  Yeah?

J:  Hey Buttface!
R:  Yeah?

J:  Hey Fart Knocker!
R:  Yeah?

I said "Anything?" and he responded with a wicked grin "Yes.  Anything."  A few moments later...

J:  Hey Vagina Feet!
*silence*
R:  ...yeah?  and...did you just call me vagina feet?

We laughed so hard that we cried.  It was delightful.  Lucky for all of us, Vagina Feet didn't stick.  




On to the shoes... 

The other day, in my internet browsing, I came across these shoes:

 

When I sent them to Joel he responded with "what the hell is that?!?".  I reassured him that I was not planning on buying the shoes, I just thought they were hilarious.  He made some other comments, like he does, about how he was shocked I didn't like them because they were hideous.

It was right then that I decided my new justification for any pair of shoes that I buy from now until the end of days is "Hey, at least they don't look like vaginas."

Day 101 - Best. Week. Ever.

March 29th - April 6th - one of the best weeks I've ever had.  Why?

I already talked about my epic Jason Momoa hug...you know, the one where he surrounded me like a beautiful, radiant Hawaiian blanket.  Ever since, whenever I sass Joely, he reminds me that Jason is not coming to whisk me away and save me from a life of paying bills and cleaning the kitchen and I say "YOU DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE I KNOW HIM!".  Then, the McBoy, chimes in with "You guys are so weird."

I also mentioned that my best girls and I went to see my favorite Author Guy Christopher Moore talk about his new book Sacre Bleu.  For the first in the three times we have gone to see him, he was not suffering from a cold.  He was charming and awesome.  He didn't even get mad that I told him that he reminded me of a snarky 13 year old girl trapped in a man suit.  He just confessed that when he was researching his character Abby Normal (from the Bloodsucking Fiends series), he scoured teenage goth sites to get the vernacular right and his girlfriend was terrified they were going to get arrested for being creepy.

What I did NOT talk about, because I couldn't until today when it was announced, was that I got a promotion at work...an awesome promotion.  I get to learn the ins and outs of a new product, Muse.  I might even use it to switch this blog over, although my team will yell at me and tell me that it's not a blogging tool.  (See...I HAVE been reading the tutorials.)  In addition, I get to work on some more strategic initiatives for my segment.  This is one of the things that I am the best at...thinking on a high level across multiple products and coming up with efficiencies that will apply to all.   Why focus on one tree when the forest is so beautiful?  ;)


Except...I will also be focusing on one tree.  But, you get the idea I think.  


I was flying high last week.  I should have played the lottery.

Day 100 - The Little Things...aka Nacho Cheese

Joel and I normally have a chat towards the end of the day and, if we don't already have plans, we figure out what we are doing for dinner.  Yesterday we didn't have any plans for cooking and I had a meeting, so he volunteered to go through Taco Time drive through.  We all have a thing for tots.  Sometimes we are lazy and eat fast food for dinner.  There, I said it.  I'm the only one that gets to judge on this blog so calm yourselves right down.

When he came home, he threw a bag filled with Taco Bell nacho cheese on the table.  I have already blogged about how much I love nachos, but I don't think I've ever mentioned my belief that the cheese sauce they make at Taco Bell is God's Gift to Nacho Chips.  

I said "I thought you went to Taco Time" and he said "I did", then threw the bag filled with tots on the table. 

He drove through the Taco Bell drive through separately just to get me some of the crackalicious cheese sauce that I am addicted to.   Let me say that again.  He drove through the drive through to order cheese sauce.  When they gave him a hard time, he broke down and got a soda as well.

What a guy. 

Day 99 - Alone Time

One of the things that I have taken for granted the most when I had it was the beauty of alone time. 

Interruption frustrates me.*  As much as it happens in my job, I've learned to cope or at the very least, find ways to work around it.  This is why this blog is such a challenge.  I find "nothing blogs" to be deplorable and I feel conflicted if I don't have enough uninterrupted time to write something worth reading.  Again, I sort of had to get over that if I was going to attempt to write nearly every day.  I see it as an intrusion if someone tries to talk to me when I'm reading or watching a show (although heckling bad TV/Movies is an exception).  

I want to be completely present for what I'm doing while I'm doing it.  I want give my full attention to one thing at a time, to get lost in it, for as long as I damned well please.  If something is so unimportant that it doesn't deserve my focus, then I shouldn't be doing it at all.

Since my youngest brother is nine years older, I grew quite accustomed to having as much me time as I needed.  I got to be alone with only my imagination.  Sometimes I would go lay outside under the big tree in my parents yard, close my eyes and imagine myself in a whole other world.  I don't think I realized how much I loved it at the time, but even thinking back on it now makes me all dreamy eyed. 

This is why I find weekend mornings to be so wonderful.  The McMan and McBoy sleep in and I have some precious Tiffany time.  I don't always use it wisely.  This morning, for example, I spent half an hour trying to find a missing piece to the Keurig (a successful endeavor I might add).  I cleaned up the kitchen and did a couple of loads of laundry.  But then, I got to sit down and write this blog.  That part was awesome.  As soon as this blog is complete, I'm going to play with Adobe Muse for a while and see if we can't be friends.  


And then, at some point very soon, Joely will come shuffling out here and say "Woman!  Where's my breakfast?!?" and I will say "You make the breakfast."  And he will chuckle, kiss my forehead and shuffle into the kitchen to have his special time with the Keurig.  Then I will spend the rest of my day with my fellas...and that will be wonderful as well.


Just a different kind.  ;)


*  I suppose I should quantify this by saying interruption of something I'm interested in doing.  If I'm performing some task at work that I don't want to be doing, I welcome interruption every time.  

Day 98 - The Bra I Have a Crush On

For the first time in my life, I have developed feelings for a piece of underwear.  

I should start by saying that one of Shonna's greatest skills is finding things she knows her friends will love.  I have never gotten a present from her that was even slightly less than awesome.  One of MY greatest skills is spending money with abandon.  This means that she and I should never, ever go anywhere where things can be found and purchased. 

Obviously, our favorite thing to do together is go shopping.  As one would imagine, Shonna spends the whole time pointing things out that she knows I would love, I spend the whole time buying the things and at the end of the day I have all sorts of shit I don't need and she has purchased one or two things. 

Today, I took her into Soma.  After I wandered around a bit and took in all of the lovely under things, I walked up to her to check in on how she was doing.  She turned around and held out (in my size of course) the single most gorgeous bra I have ever seen.  It reminded me of a corset with perfect little embellishments.  I took it from her and said "Jesus, I think I actually find this bra attractive."  

I knew I was going to buy it before I even checked the price tag.  A bra's job is to hug my breasts all day long, which is a pretty intimate relationship.  What kind of fool would I be to turn down an opportunity to go into that relationship with a bra that I am severely crushing on?  Kind of a no-brainer.

Anyway, the happy-making thing in all of this is that Shonna followed me up to the register carrying the pink variety of the same bra.  She bought something she didn't need.  I feel as though I gained a small victory in regaining a bit of balance. 

And...I have a super hot bra.  

I have a picture of it, but it occurred to me that people I work with read this blog and all of a sudden I felt a little dirty, so you will just have to trust me in regards to its super hotness.

Day 97 - Massage

I am getting a massage this afternoon.  I've been trying to go as frequently as I am able because of the weird neck/shoulder thing that has been vexing me the last couple of months.  

My MT is this little ball of fire named Jenny and that's all I'm telling you.  It's already tricky finding available slots with her.  Not only does she KICK ASS at her job -- she has found tension in muscles I didn't know existed and banished it with her unnaturally strong hands -- she is covered by my insurance so it costs me $6.75 for an hour of pure bliss. (Well, 55 minutes of pure bliss.  That 5 minutes she's doing work in muscles under my arms is the opposite of bliss, but completely necessary.)

Also, she's adorable and she smells nice.  It's a win-win-win-win.


This is my happy making thing for today.  Since this blog is a shorty, I will also include for your viewing enjoyment and continued distraction, my favorite "massage" video:

Day 96 - Christopher Moore

Once upon a time, shortly after I moved to the Puget Sound Area, I started a book club.  I did so with the intention of getting to know some wonderful ladies that I had met a bit better.  Also, I wanted to create a forcing function to read more books.

When she was up to pick the next (and her first) book, this adorable woman with wild, curly red hair picked "Lamb:  The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal" by Christopher Moore.  She said that she had already read and LOVED it, but wanted us all to read it so that we could drink wine, eat cheese and talk about it.

I read the book and in that moment when I was finishing up the last sentence...that moment when I realized that the story was really ending and I was so desperately sad to be finished because I loved it so much...I knew that Kai and I were going to be very, very good friends. 

His writing is brilliant, funny, witty and he likes to drop the F bomb. At some point, I thought maybe he was wearing a man suit and was really a snarky thirteen year old girl.  While I'm not entirely convinced that is NOT true, I don't care. 


Since then, I made it my personal mission to acquire a first edition hard cover copy of every book he has ever written (which I have).  Then, get every one of those books signed (which after tonight they will be).  I love him so much that I have NOT read the last two books he's released because I'm terrified he will get hit by a bus and there will be no new Chris Moore for me to read, so I'm trying to dole them out.  Sad and crazy, but true.


Tonight, my best girls and I are going see him on his book reading tour for his latest masterpiece "Sacre Bleu!".  Even though I have not yet read it, I have no doubt it will be awesome.  He will get up on stage and NOT read from the book, but rather talk about some messed up news story that he read and make fun of crazy people who hoard rabbits.  He will be adorable and hilarious.  We will talk to him in line and get our third "Drunken MySpace Sorority Girl" photo with him.  It will be awesome.

(From his "Fool" tour, circa 2009.  WHY ISN'T SHONNA IN THIS PICTURE?)

Day 95 - Kinect Voice Commands

Of the gizmos to emerge in the past few years, the Kinect is one of my favorites.  

As I've made pretty clear, I'm not much into gaming.  If it were competitive, I could beat the crap out of each and every one of you at Super Mario Brothers II.  Tetris is the only game I've ever bested Joel playing; although he vehemently denies this.  Moto Racer will always have a special place in my heart as Kelly, Megan and I played it over and over and over and over on Nyle's Playstation while listening to "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan (obviously...what else would we have listened to while driving wee little motorcycles around a track).  I've been itching to finish Super Mario World on the SNES...I started it one summer at my cousin's house and had to leave before we beat it.

Other than that, I have had a hard time imagining how I could care less about video games.

Then, we got the Kinect.  I was introduced to Dance Central...and subsequently my dreamy Latin Prom King Angel...and I LOVED it.  Joel has a video that he took of me dancing my ass off to Lady Gaga.  He uses it to threaten me from time to time, although I'm pretty sure he's already shown it to most of the people we know. Not only do I love the dance games, but I love that the Kinect picks up on Sophie when she runs across the living room or tries to join in.  I think we should create a profile for her. 

All of this said, I discovered my favorite thing about the Kinect when we started watching television series on Netflix through XBOX Live.  'Twas then I learned that I could tell the Kinect what to do...AND IT WOULD LISTEN!

Imagine, if you will, living in my house of unruly cats, a hyperactive dog and my feisty McMan & McBoy.  How excited would you be if there was just one thing, just ONE, that actually listened to you and did what it was told.  Not only that, but bossing is one of my favorite things.  The Kinect never talks back, it just takes it like my little, electronic, bitch.   

God bless you Kinects...each and every one.

Day 94 - Supernatural

We have been powering through Supernatural.  I'm really enjoying the series, which I didn't expect.  It is funny, the characters are endearing and it has some pretty creepy monsters. Also, Joel has this odd obsession with the hotels they stay in.  Somehow they end up finding the coolest freaking hotels during their cross country chasing of various types of ghouls, ghosts, demons, vampires, werewolves and other fiends. 

As a household, we have a good time poking fun at Jared Padalecki's Angry Baby Face.  It rivals Kristin Kreuk's from Smallville.  But, the show is actually entertaining unlike Smallville, which just pissed me off and made me want to throw things at every single one of the characters.

Jensen Ackles character is a lot of fun.  He plays the cavalier older brother, ripe with one liners and completely obsessed with his black 67 Impala.  He has FANTASTIC Soap Opera facial expressions, but it oddly works for him.

Not much of a blog today, mostly because I'm distracted watching the show.   So.  There.

Day 93 - Karin Madan, Pinheads and Rubix Cubes

A few years back there was an art show at Starbucks in Fremont, displaying the work of local artist Karin Madan.  They were all prints of these really delightful little creatures doing one thing or another.  My favorite was set of two paintings called "Death by Kebab".  I told Joely about them.  

It just so happened to be close to Valentines Day, so he drove his enormous Ford truck to Fremont during his lunch hour.  By some act of god, he managed to find parking.  He walked in and told the barista that he wanted to buy the prints.  She said "Sorry, we can't sell them if the manager isn't here."

I wish I could have been there to see the look he gave her.  I'm sure he took the news like the little ray of sunshine that he is.  At any rate, he went back to do the whole thing again on Day Two.  What a guy, right?

You've probably seen them if you've been to my house, they are hanging in the kitchen (obviously).

When I saw on the Stumpytown site that she was going to be at the Emerald City Comic Con, I knew that I needed to put her on the roster of things I wanted to see before I got arrested for trying to hump Jason Momoa. As if I didn't love her stuff enough already, it was an added bonus to see that she now makes jewelry.

We found her booth and I got to chat with her for a bit.  She is a super awesome lady and I walked away loving her more than I did before I met her.  I also walked away with something from her new series, characters with a focus on gizmos from the eighties.  I had so many adorable prints to pick from... Chewie with a walkman, Batman with an enormous brick of a cell phone, but this was the piece that I knew I was going to walk away with the second that I saw it:

That's right folks, it's Little Pinhead with a Rubix cube.  Karin said "I have one on a silk rope as well, but for him the chain just seems more appropriate."  Remember when I told you that she was adorable?  How could I not love a woman that had this in her brain and made it come to life?

She has also been added to my best friend's list. 

Day 92 - My Date with Jason Momoa

For the sake of prosperity, I am recording the events of the encounter as follows:

Joely and I went to the “Media Guest” section of the con to check Jason Momoa’s schedule and found out that he was getting ready to start his photo op session…the last photo op session that he would be doing at the con.  We got into the incredibly long switch line to register for my photo.  We got bellered at by the lady running the line, who insisted on reminding us 37 times that we needed our email addresses ready.  (Do people really forget their email addresses?)  When they announced that photo registration for Christopher Judge and Jason Momoa was closed, we were SECOND from the beginning of the line.  Joel said “Oh no” and my heart fell through my shoes.  I hung my head, sighed a heavy sigh and as I was moving out of the line, the annoying lady said “Wait…Momoa is still open for single shots.”  I leaped back into my place in line.  I may have done a pirouette.

After we got my ticket, they hustled is into the room where they were taking all the photos.  I had to drop off my purse and my husband since neither of them was allowed in the “photo room”.  As I turned the corner of the switch line, I noticed the curtains were pulled back.  I could see him standing there, in all of his glorious glory.  I watched as other people moved through the line in front of me.  He was all sweet and adorable, cracking jokes, picking up a kid for one of the shots, being a million feet tall and gorgeous.  

When I was finally at the beginning of the line, he turned and looked at me and we made eye contact.  

The Time of My Life (as performed by Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes in the hit movie Dirty Dancing) started playing in the background.  He reached his arms out to me and I ran to him.  He picked me up and spun me around.  He set me on my feet and leaned down, then he gave me this long, lingering kiss.  He told me that he loved me, that he had always loved me, and that he wanted us to run away together.

At least, that is what happened in my "internal reality". 

A more accurate version may have been that after we made eye contact, I cracked a big old grin because JASON MOMOA WAS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.  AND HE WAS LOOKING AT ME.  So, I said “HI JASON MOMOA!”  Then HE cracked a big old grin and said “Hi Sweetheart!  Get over here!”.  And, he really did hold his arms out to me.  Also, I really ran to him…after I hopped up and down once.  He is about a foot taller than me, so when get grabbed me and pulled me in for the epic hug and leaned his head down on me, I was basically surrounded by Momoa goodness.  I smiled so big in the picture that my face looks like it might split.  I think he realized that I turned four right before his eyes and it delighted him. 

Anyway, after they snapped the shot I said “Thank you so much” and he said “Thank YOU, have a good one!”   Joel claims that I did some sort of crazy skip out of there, the kind that kids do when they are pretending to gallop like a horse.  I ran past my purse and he had to remind me to turn around and grab it.  I was flushed and giddy.  I can’t even remember getting out of there.  

There you have it folks.  It was the best 60 second date I’ve ever had.  I wasn’t able to get him to sign anything or actually chat with him because they screwed up on the scheduling.  They had him in a panel at the same time he was supposed to be doing autographs.  We had to leave, so I missed getting to tell him about all of my favorite episodes of Stargate Atlantis, how much I love the fact that he’s married to Denise Huxtable and that he should thank Joel for being there to make sure that I didn’t get arrested for trying to hump him.  

I think I’m going to hang the picture up in my office so that every time someone pisses me off, I can be reminded that I got to touch Jason Momoa and all of a sudden everything will immediately seem less crappy.  Also, since he put his hands on me, please understand that I’m never washing my body again and thank you very much for not judging me for the inevitable smell.  

(This is a picture of the picture that they gave me yesterday.  I wasn't patient enough for them to send the JPEG to my email account.  You know...the email address that I had to have ready.)