Day 44 - Confident Women

Note to all readers:

This blog makes me happy for a few reasons.  First, because I’ve been thinking about this subject a lot; the confident women that I know make me incredibly happy.  Also, because this blog was already almost complete but never published as I had started it months ago for Emma, never finished it then promptly forgot that it existed.  I was able to make some adjustments and wrap it up in a few minutes.  As a note to myself and the rest of you, I plan on scrubbing the rest of the folder of “Almost Blogs” for other such related gems.

Note to Emma:

Emma, you being in college makes me nostalgic.  It reminds me of my own journey.  My first year of college was a turning point for me.  I met some amazing people who helped set me on the path that led me to the person I am today and for that, I am eternally grateful. For me, it was an awakening.  It might be something completely different for you, but I really hope it isn’t.  I hope you feel the same intensity that I did while I was there.  I hope you establish the bonds with people that will change the way you think about the world.  I hope that you can walk away feeling as though you have learned enough about the kind of woman that you hope to be that you have some idea on how to get there.

Actual Blog:

The recent graduation of Emma, one of my very favorite people, has had me thinking about beginnings; in particular, the beginnings for a young woman.  I have had the opportunity to see her grow from a pre-adolescent into a young woman.  I got to watch her accept her high school diploma and I welled up with tears; happy tears, excited tears, sad tears.  I have unfortunately not had this opportunity with many of the people in my own family due to the distance between us, so I am incredibly grateful for getting to witness her transformation.  She is still the tender age of eighteen, however, so from my perspective still a youngling; a fresh little flower of a woman who is on the precipice of finding her way in this world.  I think about all that lies ahead for her and as I recall all of the stages that I went through myself, I feel compelled to bestow upon her some lessons learned.  

So my sweet, snarky, fabulous EC, this blog is for you....

First and foremost, being a woman of confidence is both difficult and complicated.  Being able to shed your insecurities or grow beyond them is no easy task.  In fact, it is so difficult that I have only met a handful of ladies who have ever really been able to accomplish it.   If you are able to overcome all of the things you fear most about yourself, through whatever means you are able, you have overcome the first great hurdle of being a woman…and a human being…but for the purpose of this blog we are focusing on the female gender.  Now, your next great challenge is to contending with other women (contending with the male variety probably deserves a blog of its own).  

In my experience, there are three types of women you will meet; women of confidence, women with no confidence and women who PRETEND to have confidence. 

I’m going to focus on the women of confidence for two reasons.  First, because I believe you are destined to be one of them.  Second, because this blog is supposed to focus on positive things.  This said, I will offer only a few thoughts on the other two varieties and leave it at that. 

A woman with no confidence can be a good and loyal friend.  You will be able to mentor her and help her find her path.  You will have to be kinder to her than you are probably used to, but that’s okay.  Some people are more fragile than others, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be strong so long as they have someone who is patient and willing to allow them to figure out how to find it within themselves. 

A woman with no confidence that pretends to have confidence is likely the most dangerous creature on the planet.  She will be jealous of you because she wants what you have.  She will befriend you and then do the best that she can to take on as many of your qualities as she can and drain you of your own strength if you let her.  She talks a big game and crumples under anything resembling a challenge, criticism or real life in general.  She surrounds herself with cheerleaders and, under no circumstance, does she want anyone to tell her the truth about her actions and how she is perceived.  If you can’t make her feel better about herself, then you are her enemy.  She is like a pod person horror movie.  Stay away from her at all costs and instead chose to spend your time with women with a true sense of self.

Find like-minded women and spend the rest of your days thankful for being smart enough to spare yourself the drama.  Another woman of confidence will at once recognize how much you kick ass and adore you.  She will see you as an ally.  She will want your advice, and she will give you amazing advice of her own.  Above all, she will not see you as a threat or “the competition” because she is secure enough in herself to know her own value and not begrudge you for yours.  These are the women who you can establish mutually beneficial relationships with as they will be able to contribute to making you a better human, via a work or personal relationships, without draining you of all that makes you awesome.  Sadly, these women are harder to find than they would be if all were right with the world. 

Society holds women back from achieving this kind of relationship.  We are constantly pitted us against one another…if you don’t look like supermodel X, you aren’t pretty.  If you aren’t as successful as CEO Y, you aren’t smart.  If you make a mistake, ever, then you are fallible and not worthy of the title of Super Girl.  The most important thing to remember in becoming a woman of confidence is to STOP comparing yourself to other women.  There will always be another woman out there who is smarter than you, or prettier than you, or does better cart wheels than you.  The very second you can understand that, accept it and revel in what you have to offer the world; it will open up to you in ways that you never imagined.   

Smart people make heinous mistakes.  Being beautiful is way more complicated than being pretty.  There is a process of reflection and self improvement that every woman needs to go through in order to get to a place where she is truly accepting of herself.   The first step in this is being honest with yourself about your strengths and your weaknesses and not being afraid to be honest with other people about these things.

Don’t mistake women who have insecurities and own them as women without confidence.  It takes a huge sense of self awareness to admit you make mistakes, own them and learn from them.  If someone is willing to admit this about themselves, they have the kind of strength you should surround yourself with.  Even if they can’t always recognize it in themselves, you will be able to see it in them.

So, I guess to summarize, be proud of every little piece of what makes you who you are.  Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for it, but find people who think you kick as much ass as I think you do.  

Homework: Read this poem, Phenomenal Woman By Maya Angelou.  A friend once told me that it reminded her of me because I made her proud to be a woman.  To date, it is one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. 

Also, know that I love you and I always have your back.