Today as I am trying to wrap up some work before people come over to watch the one football game a year that we watch, I am happy about the fact that I used to be really funny. I also used to be an avid blogger. Really funny + avid blogger means TONS of old material to draw from when I am trying to catch up.
Therefore...please enjoy this Golden Oldie from Saturday, March 25 2006.
Evil Red Pig
Back in December KennyB, a dear colleague here at The Job, was lost to us during the layoffs. This man is truly a ray of sunshine, so we were all very dejected to discover that he was leaving us. KennyB had started several little traditions here at The Job. When he left, his little do-dads and funny customs had to be passed on to those of us that he left behind. Most of these things were accepted with open arms by anyone who knew him. There was one exception.
Exhibit A:
KennyB had this enormous piggy bank in his office. He even has an album containing photographic evidence of the piggy bank doing several questionable and illegal things around the office.
The problem is that this piggy bank is evil. And it’s red. Which wouldn’t be a problem…except for the being evil thing. The other problem, as I later discovered, was that the pig wasn’t actually placed by the fridge, or the printer, or the beer closet for those photo opportunities. This is something that will be brought to light as our story progresses.
Mr.Ash is KennyB’s best friend, so the Evil Red Pig went to him. Mr. Ash held steadfast for a time. He tried. He really did. But, one day, the Evil Red Pig showed up in our Tic Toc lounge. He said it was dirty and disgusting and it stared at him while he was working and he just couldn’t take it anymore.
My friends and I have lunch and knit in this lounge. We tried to sit down and commence with our lunch hour, but Evil Red Pig was in the middle of the table. There was nary enough room for our falafels…much less the bottles of water and the knitting projects.
Grendel, being the brave soul that she is, picked up the Evil Red Pig and set him on the floor. She was not instantly taken over by the Bubonic Plague, so we figured it was safe to set our stuff where the Evil Red Pig once stood. Things were beautiful, if only for a few moments.
I made eye contact with the pig. I think he winked at me. I feared for my life and took the only action that I could without touching him. I shrouded his eyes with a napkin from the cafeteria.
A few days passed without incident. Then, we went back into the lounge. Evil Red Pig was sitting on a chair, and his shroud was missing. His stare was colder and more malevolent than before. I couldn’t take it anymore. I lost it.
I proclaimed my hatred of the pig. I said aloud, how he terrified me and I don’t know how KennyB was able to shelter him for as long as he did. He DOES smell bad, and he’s got this weird sheen of black surrounding his cool red exterior. And he has the evil eyes and, I suspect, dead lights. And I was completely miffed that he found his way to the chair and that the protective shroud was missing. I informed my friends that I could not spend any more time in the lounge until the pig was disposed of.
We talked of having an auction in which we would collect money for a charity and whoever donated the most could go in the back courtyard and take a sledgehammer to Evil Red Pig. One of KennyB’s closest friends was NOT supportive of this idea. She thought someone should take responsibility of Evil Red Pig…but she didn’t want to do it. She is also my boss…so I could only argue my point so much before I risked Evil Red Pig taking my job from me.
So, I went and got a coffee.
When I came back, Evil Red Pig was standing outside of my office.
I stepped over and went in. I said, loudly, “I’m NOT touching that thing…so he can just stay in the hallway for all I care.”
I watched the door to make sure he stayed put. I didn’t want him looking in while I attempted to complete my asset management documentation.
Eventually, nature’s call came and I had to leave my office. I carefully stepped over Evil Red Pig and went to the Little Sassy’s Room.
When I came back, he was gone.
I was both terrified and relieved. I didn’t want to ask any questions. He was out of my life and I didn’t care how it happened…then I walked into my office.
I sat down and commenced aforementioned documentation. I was blasting Death Cab on my itunes. I was probably telling WB that I wanted to make out with her over IM and the same time I was telling Mr. Sassy that I wanted to make out with HIM over IM. There may have been a midget dancing on my desk. But yet, in the midst of all of this normality, something was amiss.
I stopped typing and surveyed my office. There, in the corner under my desk, I caught a glimpse of red.
Exhibit B:
That’s right my buttercups. Evil Red Pig was hiding behind my paper recycling box. This is where Evil Red Pig is probably sitting right this very minute. I said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m not touching him.
Actually, things are better now. I’ve come to some conclusions about Evil Red Pig. You see, KennyB is such a wonderful, happy, hilarious, and generally sun-shiny person that his aura CONTAINED the pig’s evil. KennyB was the Keeper of Evil Red Pig. He bared the burden every single day…knowing how it would wear on him. But he did it. It was his part in making the world a better place. He kept that smile on his face and that spring in his step and he faced that pig EVERY SINGLE DAY.
And then, my destiny was clear to me. I have taken up the torch. I am now the Keeper of Evil Red Pig.
I can only hope that I can contain his evil and that it doesn’t overtake me.
However, I will publicly state now that if all of the beer is stolen from the beer closet, it is Evil Red Pig’s fault.
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